my morbid dream

i am so scared... i woke up catching my breath
from a deep sleep..

it all started this way.. i went home from
the office at about 10am (coming from 11pm-8am shift)
i was so tired and exhausted so i immediately took
off my clothes and headed to the shower room.
After i took a bath, i recieved a phone call from
a gay friend asking me to go out with them (my college
friends) coz its been years since weve been out for a drink,
while i was talking to this friend, i know that i want to end
up the conversation because my eyes are literally closing
in and my bed is calling me to lay my fresh-from-the-shower
body to him, luckily my friend felt like im tired and need some
sleep so after i turn my phone off, i lie on my bed and
fastly fell asleep..

then the morbid dream came.. in that dream i woke up in
a very dark room... i cant figure out anything because im
seeing nothing but i know that im not alone in that room..
well in reality, im really afraid of the dark, but in this
dream, i do not feel any fear at all, in fact i stood up
and searched the place though i know ill find nothing (coz again in
reality if this happened to me, ill just stay where i am and
wait till i die).. While trying to grasp for something
in that dark room, i accidentally stumble into something
(again, i cant figure it out because its freakin' dark)..

i continued walking through the darkness, i suddenly smell
a fume i cant imagine, it was really bad.. in fact, to this
moment that im typing this post i can still imagine how in my dream,
that smell made me want to throw up. But i followed the path
where that shit comin' from.. it led me to a sort of a tunnel
but this time a little ray of light was shining in..
So i entered that opening, and what frightened me was seeing
my dead step sister hanging from the ceiling of that tunnel..

My step sister died last June, she also committed suicide
by hanging herself to the ceiling of my dad's house in Antipolo,
that's where it came to my mind that maybe, this is my sister's way
of reaching out to me, Actually, we never got close (well, i have never
been to any of my step siblings). I remember, that before that
faithful day, she was texting me, asking if i have time to
talk to her, but i wasnt able to reply, because i was at the
office, and phone is prohibited within the production area,
though i was able to read it after my shift at 6am, but it was
followed by a call from my dad saying, they found her dead in
her room, i was petrified and i just dont know what to say.

My dad said that she's been dead for quite a few hours when they
found her, he was the first one to see her, he said that when he saw her
there were red ants all over her face, biting her, and thats exactly
what i saw in my dream,, her in a white dress, with rope in her neck and
the red ants.. but one thing's different from what my dad told me in that
call, he said that even if my sis committed suicide, he finally saw
her full of peace and contentment that he hasnt seen her in months (by the
way my sis was raped by her friend, she actually wrote it in that suicide
note they found in her bed, and thats exactly what bothered her and pushed
her into doing that) but i saw a face full of sorrow and agony, i think she
really struggled to live for several months having to carry that huge
cross in her shoulder.

Going back to my dream, i realize that this was probably how she wants
to reach out to me, because before she died, we never got the time to talk.
I do have regrets about that actually, if only i was able to reply to
that text message she sent, things could've happened differently, maybe
ill be able to give her advice about what she's going through, but i
guess thats fate... No one can get in between that.. but still, i feel so
sorry for the lost times...how i wish now, that i have the effort to get
close to her though i know there's some issues within our family, but now it
is too late..

I can compare what im feeling now to a song that goes.. if only i have known,
it'll be our last to dance in the rain, i could've waited for the storm..

To all the angels above... Please tell my Ate (Sister)
that i love her and she'll be remembered... always.